Happy Hellsing!
by catsvrsdogscatswin
Summary: Merry X-mas! May and Jay have come to celebrate at the Hellsing Manor, but of course with us in the works there is mischief in the making! Part of our new Holiday line, we shall be putting several more holidays into the system with our own special dose of...weirdness. C'mon and read! Candy, crack, and presents await! SPREAD THE INSANITY! Did I mention we're giving away free candy?


_**May and Jay Merry Christmas right here! We give and get presents from the Hellsing cast! Of course, we have to bring our own special method of "fun" to the holiday.**_

_**(May) I want a chicken!**_

_**I want a bike.**_

_**(May) You have a bike!**_

…_**..I'm happy! :D**_

_**Anyway, here's some before info. A) These are all in fact the nicknames the Hellsing cast is referred to at our house. If a nickname is not mentioned, that is because the person is known to May enough that she can put the name with the face. B) I accept no responsibility for whatever May gives the cast and what it does to them, and the same goes for her about my presents. Take it up with our lawyer (Mack) if you feel there is an issue.**_

The Hellsing Manor was full of cheer. Big wreaths of pine and red ribbon studded the hallways, and mistletoe was hung perilously in many doorways. The air was full of outdoor-pine scent, and if the unwary ventured towards the kitchen they would find so many delicious smells of gingerbread, turkey, eggnog, and cinnamon that they would stand, inhaling as deeply as they could, for hours before Walter would pop his head out and shoo them away. Heaps of fake snow littered the stairs and ornaments were strung up on a huge Christmas tree in the entrance hall. The occupants of the manor were all currently in this hallway, and the mood varied per person. Alucard was ecstatic, not because of the holiday, but the opportunities it presented, namely the ability to force unwitting couples into an embarrassing kiss by stringing up mistletoe everywhere he could. Integra was paranoid and jumpy, constantly looking up as she moved and avoided the proximity of other people like the plague in case Alucard had managed to hang one of the cursed plants above her. Seras and Pip were chatting with Walter about the decorations as Pip's men were becoming drunk on eggnog, and everyone was having a decent time, even the…_visitors._

Enrico Maxwell was standing with Anderson, both holding cups of hot chocolate and watching nervously as Alucard gleefully flitted across the ceiling, bunches of the dreaded plant following in his wake. Heinkel (and yes, we're saying she's a she now. :P) was in the middle of a slightly inebriated game of poker with some of the more sober members of the Wild Geese, and it was rapidly progressing into a strip poker match. Yumie was watching her partner, nervously fiddling with her glasses as she munched on some nuts from the snack table. The Major was sitting in an armchair, playing chess with Luke Valentine. Doc was doing some weird mojo on a stocking, and it was wriggling, top opening and closing like a hungry mouth as he injected a strange goopy substance into the fluffy rim. Rip Van Winkle and Schrödinger were playing tag, ducking around the tables and having a grand old time. Jan Valentine was sitting in a chair, pouting because of the ducktape over his mouth that Anderson had slapped on, insisting that Christmas be a time with no profanity. Zorin was sitting across from him, playing knife. The Captain and Alhambra were currently engaged in a card game, oddly enough, and Alhambra looked to be getting back his old mojo.

Suddenly Seras perked up, hearing a knock on the door. "_Dashing through the snow on a pair of broken skis-_" She grinned in excitement as everyone fell silent, curiosity halting all conversations. "CAROLERS!" she squealed, reaching for the door as Integra went pale. "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!" she bellowed in a panic, and Seras stopped, hand inches from the knob. "_Over the hills we go, crashing into trees! The snow is turning red, I think I'm almost dead-_" Everyone gulped as the voices registered, fear draining their strength. Anderson grabbed his cross, as did all the Iscariots, frantically praying this wasn't happening, they were drunk on eggnog and this was all a hallucination, please let this not be happening… The door slammed open, sending Seras flying across the room. "_-woke up in the hospital with stitches on my head!_" Jay finished, cheeks pink from the cold as she dropped her sister from her shoulders, shaking snow off her legs and closing the door.

May giggled, clapping her hands and clumsily yanking the scarf off her neck, twirling in a circle around her sister as she stomped a few times, lower body soaked from the waist-deep snow. She and her sister were both wearing Santa hats, although May was wearing her signature pink clothing and jay was wearing her usual mix of Celtic and black. "Hey guys! Merry Christmas!" Jay said, adjusting her hat and waving to the lot. Integra's eye was twitching by now. "C'mon…why do you guys have to be so mean…_it's __**Christmas**_!" Seras wailed, sitting up tearfully. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Integra bellowed. Jay and May's expressions fell. "But…we just wanted to say hi and pass out our presents…" Jay said, looking stunned, and May started crying. "No- no- no! Please, be quiet!" Integra said, panicking, and May sat down, wailing as tears poured down her face. Alucard and the other vampires winced, putting their hands over their ears at the high-pitched sound, and Jay sighed, a look of long suffering on her face as she gently prodded her younger sister with her toe, hands on her hips.

"Aw, master, can they stay? She's kinda cute when she's not trying to do horrible things to us…" Seras said, kneeling beside the sobbing May and smiling at her invitingly. Integra ground her hands into her head, trying to think through May's wails, and finally caved. "FINE! JUST STOP THAT NOISE!" she bellowed, and May stopped, sniffling a little as Seras helped her up and gave her a lollypop. "Stop coddling the enemy Police Girl." Alucard snapped, growling at May as she practically inhaled the sweet, scrubbing the last of her tears away with the back of her mittened hand. Jay snorted, reaching inside her pocket, rummaging around for a little bit and then grinning, pulling out a cell phone and texting something in. Everyone immediately froze. "Relax; I'm just calling in our secretary with the presents." She said, calmly, not bothering to look up.

There was a moment of silence, and then the doorbell rang. Jay opened it with a huge grin, and a lanky, stick-thin teenager walked in, huge bag slung over one shoulder Santa-Claus style. (His first appearance is in our fanfic The Very END of May and Jay) "Hey boss." Mack said, swinging it down to the floor as the others regarded him dubiously. He was wearing his normal grey sanatorium outfit consisting of a T-shirt and sweatpants, the pants soaked to the knee just like Jay's had been and monotone elf hat askew over his messy grey hair, headphones around his neck. His mouth was stitched together on the left side and there were dark circles under his dull black eyes. "Anyway, I got the presents from the living room and came as quick as I could, but the crocs around the front drive are seriously getting snippish. Who fed them last?" he asked as he unfastened the top, and Jay smacked her forehead. "Knew I forgot something." She muttered, and May jumped up, gibslapping her before dropping back to the ground.

Jay reached inside the bag, beckoning the puzzled Hellsing cast over. "Ah, here we go. Alucard, this is to you from May, and this one's from me." She said absently, tossing two presents with black wrapping paper and blood-red bows over her shoulder as he caught them. Before she could go on, he ripped the wrappings off, making her stop and turn around as everyone crowded in, curious to see what they got him. "Mine!" he muttered indignantly, walking up the side of the wall and continuing as they all watched from below, frustrated. The first one he opened was from May, and he blinked as he saw the contents. Pulling out a slip of paper, he read aloud:

"101 ways to drive people insane; the most complete prank and practical joke guide ever assembled. The creators accept no responsibilities for the damage, insanity, or fatality caused when using this product."

Integra, Anderson, and Maxwell paled as a slow, evil grin crept up the maniacal vampire's face and he started to cackle. "That one was from Jay. Open mine now! Open mine now!" May squealed, clapping her hands and jumping up and down as he carefully tucked the precious box inside his coat and started to eagerly open the next one. He pulled out a book, cracking it open as Jay clapped a hand over her mouth, sniggering as everyone gave her nervous glances. May watched, eyes wide with anticipation. Looking puzzled, he flicked through a few pages, then his eyes widened. His mouth moved as he read, and a slow grin spread across his face as everyone gulped. He turned a few more pages, still smirking, then turned the book sideways, squinting at what seemed to be a diagram or picture. He suddenly convulsed with howling laughter, actually falling back to the floor in his mirth, lying on the floor as everyone stared. "Master…" Seras tried cautiously, reaching out to ease the book away and try to see what had amused him so much.

"Noooooo! Mine! My book!" he screeched, rolling over and hugging the precious book to his chest as their collective jaws sagged. He peeked at it once more, and then jumped up, laughing harder. "DAMN! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU _FIND_ THIS?!" he cackled, shoving the book in Jay's face and then spinning, holding it to his chest gleefully as Integra fainted from shock. Jay grinned, doing a complicated high-five with May and their secretary. "Uh…is he high on something?" Anderson asked nervously, pointing to the vampire, and Jay reached up to pat his shoulder. "Nah, we didn't do anything like that. 'S all cool." She said calmly, and May cackled, falling on the ground and rolling around as Mack jumped over her occasionally, remaining in his spot by the bag. "So what's in there?" Major asked after a moment of watching Alucard run in circles on the ceiling, laughing his head off.

"You know all those _really_ embarrassing childhood incidents we all have at one point or another?" Jay asked, her smirk growing. "Yeah…" they all said nervously, and she pointed upward with a grin. "Now he knows too." (Bet you all thought it was a dirty book, ya pervs.) She told them with relish, and they all paled. "Does he know about the time I-" Anderson started, and she grinned.

"Yes."

(Major) "And vhen I tried to-"

"Yup."

(Heinkel) "When I was three and-"

"Yeah..."

(Doc) "With the-"

"Mmhm."

(Seras) "And when I tried to fit my head in a-"

"YESSSSS!" Alucard bellowed from the ceiling, punching the air and giggling as he clutched the book to his heart, happy beyond all sanity. Jay grinned up at him and high-fived her sister again. "And you can't tell anybody about any of the stuff in there or we'll take it back!" she yelled up at him, and he pouted and nodded, flicking through it some more as he grinned to himself. "Right, next we have Integra." She muttered, chucking a present at the woozy director. She settled down to open it, and everyone crowded around, curious. She yanked the first one out, and May nudged her sister, pointing to it and mouthing "mine".

"Vampire psychology, the fangy, the demented, and the Alucard-ish. How to keep your pet in check. Who the heck wrote this?" she asked, looking up at the two as they shrugged. "Mack called up a buddy of his and he wrote it out for us. We thought since I gave him the practical joke book you needed an edge." Jay said absently, sticking a candy cane in her mouth and sucking hard as May continued to slurp the lollypop Seras had given her. Mack ate a Snicker he filched from Pip, chucking the next present to Jay as she tossed it to Integra. She opened it, and everyone blinked as she pulled out another tattered, ragged-paged book. "_Dracula._" She read slowly, and May high-fived her sister. "It's the original manuscript." Jay explained as the director still looked dubious, and turned a page, then nodded slowly. "And how exactly did you acquire this?"

Mack shrugged modestly. "Well, it wasn't easy; for one thing the security around the museum was really-oof!" Both May and Jay elbowed him in the ribs before he could go further, and he winced, coinciding and rubbing his stomach as Integra shrugged to herself and put the book in a safe place. "Can it!" May whispered, and Jay nodded fiercely. "We didn't go through all that trouble to get caught by the giftee!" He rolled his eyes, sighing a little as he reached inside the bag for the next present. "To Blaster Person … I assume that's Seras Victoria, from May." He read aloud, and chucked a small package towards the vampiress. She opened it and peered at the movie title. "_Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter_." She read aloud, and May and Jay high-fived. "We'd thought you'd like it." May said, straight-faced, and Jay snickered as she chucked her gifts to the fledgling as well. "I got you all three movies of the Blade trilogy." She said cheerfully, and the vampiress gulped as she tucked them into a safe place.

Mack reached inside the bag, pulling out the next present and chucking it to Jay, who read the tag. "To the Butler-guy…Walter, you're up." She said, forwarding it to him as he caught it with ease. He carefully unwrapped the present, and everyone raised an eyebrow as he pulled out a box of dental floss. "Well, May thought you'd like that because you've got like the "Dental floss of death" stuff that you whip around." Jay said with a slight snicker, then chucked her present to him. He accepted it with rolled eyes, a bit peeved at the dental floss remark as he started ripping the paper off. "_Kuroshitsuji_, Black Butler." He read aloud, and flicked through the first few pages, then nodded to himself and tucked it inside his jacket for further study. Mack sourly handed five bucks to Jay as she folded her arms smugly, May watching her elders finish their bet with wide eyes.

Mack pulled the next present out. "To the Braid Guy. Pip right?" he asked, tossing it to Jay who nodded and tossed it to the mercenary captain, surprising him into spilling his drink. He quickly caught the present, opening it to see a pack of ponytails. "You'll need them for your braid." She explained, and May tugged a young woman in a maid's uniform over. "Here! She can braid your hair for you!" she squealed, beaming at him before enveloping the sucker in her mouth once more. Everyone gave the seemingly innocent child a surprised look, and she stared back at them, nonplussed. "What?" Jay rolled her eyes as Mack facepalmed, then chucked the next present over to Anderson. The priest began to open it as everyone pressed close, then pulled out a water bottle, looking surprised. "I still couldn't get it open so I decided to give it to you!" May chirped, and he stared at her for a moment before looking down at the water, then looking back up at her. "Uh…thanks?" he said dumbly, then grabbed the top and started heaving as Jay grabbed his sleeve and started pulling him to the door.

"My present wouldn't fit through the door, and besides, it's more of an outdoor toy." She explained as everyone followed, then stopped dead in their tracks, seeing a witch's broom floating above the ground with a red bow tied around the handle. "Here ya go!" Jay chirped proudly, and Anderson stared at the unholy pagan item. "I don't want-" he started to growl, but cut himself off as the brunette sagged, looking dejected, and gingerly grasped the broom. "Fine…" he grumbled, and she beamed, high-fiving her sister as Maxwell sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Why, _why_ must he have such a soft spot for children…" he grumbled, and was cut off by Anderson's shriek of surprise as the broom shot forward, dragging him high into the sky as Alucard cackled, snapping photos rapidly as Jay and her sister blinked. "MACK!" the elder bellowed, and he skidded out, snapping a salute as snow billowed out from his passage. "Yes boss!"

"Commence search and eliminate!" she roared, and he pulled out a rocket launcher as she blinked, thinking to herself, then smacked her forehead. "Search and Rescue! I meant search and rescue…" she muttered, and he lowered it, snagging a broom from May and zooming off into the sky as May glared at her sister, along with the Iscariots. "What? I forget the difference sometimes…" she grumbled defensively, folding her arms as the dark shape that was their secretary impacted another and started back, dragging Anderson behind him. They both dismounted, and the paladin gave the broom a dubious glance before parking it by the Iscariots' cars. Maxwell looked dubious as Mack reached inside the bag again and handed the package to Jay this time, and she shook it once before nodding to herself in satisfaction and then handing it to him. He slowly unwrapped it, and blinked as a whiskered, furry head popped out and knocked against his skull, making him stagger and fall on his rear as the creature chattered and crawled out of the box, sitting on its haunches and cleaning its whiskers busily.

"What in the name of all things holy is _that_?" he asked dumbly, and Jay shrugged, studying the beaver as it commenced chewing on the hardwood floor. "I confess myself at a loss. May, explain please." She said in puzzlement, turning to her sister, and she beamed. "His name is Max! So I gave him to Maxwell!" she said brightly, and everyone returned to studying the beaver as it slowly crawled over Maxwell's shoes, dragging a floorboard with it. "Right Maxwell, take your beaver away from my flooring before we all fall into the basement." Integra said briskly, and he numbly pointed to it as it started building a dam around Alucard, who was snorting. "B-but it's not mine!" he stammered, and the beaver ignored him, as did pretty much everyone else. "Hey Anderson look! I've been damned!" Alucard shouted to his enemy as the floorboard dam reached his knees, and his nemesis cast him a withering glance as everyone else rolled their eyes at the bad joke.

_After Alucard has been rescued from the dam/damnation and we put Maxwell's beaver in his car…_

"Here's mine." Jay said carelessly, chucking a package to Maxwell as he caught it and gingerly unwrapped it, but blinked in startlement as it was revealed to be a suit, better than any of the others he currently owned. He very carefully put it aside as everyone looked at Jay askance for the strangely thoughtful gift. She put a finger to her lips, pointing to Maxwell. "I couldn't think of anything else so I just ordered a suit and gift-wrapped it. Don't tell the idiot." She whispered audibly to the room, and everyone rolled their eyes and nodded. Mack pulled out the next box, squinting at the tag. "To Nun Lady. Yumie?" he asked Jay, who nodded and chucked it to the berserker as she carefully caught it. "Question, what's with all the weird name tags?" Anderson asked from the fireplace, where he was playing rock-paper-scissors with Alucard for the last cookie. The vampire quickly snatched the treat and ran up the wall to sit on the ceiling as his foe was distracted, munching happily as Anderson cursed under his breath and glared up at him.

"May can never get any of you straight, so we had to either shorten or completely change a lot of your names so she knew which present to give to which. Just hope you never hear Jan's." she said ominously, and the still-ducktape vampire looked up from where he was trying to drink eggnog, not succeeding. "Gpmhf? Mph hm mm nm! (What about my name!)" he said indignantly, and Jay ignored him as Yumie began unwrapping her gift. She blinked as she drew out brand-new glasses, smiling hesitantly as May clapped her hands. "Uh…thanks." She said, switching them as everyone tensed, getting ready for something…well, May and Jay-ish, but as nothing happened and Jay chucked her own present at her, they relaxed. She yanked a piece of paper out, squinting at it and then sitting back, stunned. "Vhat is it Yumie?" Heinkel asked groggily, still a little (read, LOT) tipsy from the eggnog, and her partner numbly handed her the deed. "May and Jay hereby nominate the nun Yumie/Yumiko/Yumike Takagi as the new Head of Loretto Chapel. Amen." She slurred, and all the Iscariot's blinked. "How did _you_…" Anderson said blankly, stabbing a finger at the siblings as they both shrugged modestly.

"Mack has connections." Jay said simply, starting on her fifth candy cane as her sister nodded, and everyone turned to gape at the monotone-clothed secretary, who shrugged soundlessly. "I get around." He said shortly, reaching inside the bag for the next person's. "The Crona-gendered Iscariot." He read, and then mutely handed it to Jay, who shrugged sheepishly at everyone as she chucked it to Heinkel. "Wassa Crona?" she mumbled, tilting the package and shaking it a little as everyone then turned to stare at Jay. "He…she…uh…_Crona_ is from Soul Eater. Nobody knows whether or not Crona's a guy or a girl." She said, rubbing the back of her head as the Iscariots glared at her. "Oh come on! May's only seen pictures, we only got to about half of the fourth OVA before our parents said she couldn't watch it anymore, what do you expect me to do?!" she said indignantly, and they all rolled their eyes and watched as the sobering nun unwrapped the package. A large amount of shining silver bullets gleamed up at her, and she beamed, inspecting them and loading them into her gun as May giggled and danced around the gift sack, clapping her hands. "You better like them. We sold Mack's collection of dustbunnies for those." Jay said, filing her nails and blowing them off.

The secretary's head jerked up. "You did what?!" he yelped, and the two sisters whistled innocently as the Hellsing cast watched in awe. "Nothing…" Jay said meekly, and her sister nodded vigorously as Mack glared at them both. "How could you! I spent _years_ collecting them all! One was from under George Washington's couch!" he wailed, shaking them both by their collars as all of the Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millennium grinned delightedly. Jay's hand came up and she grabbed his wrist, stopping him as they both regained their balance. "It was revenge for losing the keys to our black hole." She said angrily, and he flinched. "I forgot them inside! It's not my fault!" he yelped, and they all glared at each other for a moment. May, obviously, started it again. "And you lost my favorite plushy too."

"It's a black hole! I can't keep track of everything in there!"

"But the keys? You forgot the _keys_!?"

"It's your fault! You two called me out because you said there was an alien army attacking!"

"There was!"

"Really!"

"It was the _mailman_!"

"Mailmen don't have tentacles!"

"Those were the shredded mailbags those stupid Venus Flytraps May bred tried to eat!"

"Hey! Paula and Chrissie aren't stupid!"

"He tried to shoot us!"

"You shot him first!"

"With _your_ guns!"

"Yeah!"

"So?!"

"Well, it's your fault we shot him because if you hadn't given us the guns we wouldn't have shot him."

"I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT YOU SAY AND YOU TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU GUNS!"

"Besides, they shot wrong! You make wonky guns!"

"I DO NOT!"

"Do too!"

"Yeah! The guns don't bang right!"

"You too May?! WHY ARE YOU TAKING HER SIDE!?"

"She gives me more candy than you do."

"REALLY?! You take her side just because I don't give you enough candy!?"

"She has Nerds."

"She's got you there Mack. Nothing beats Nerds."

"Snickers beat Nerds any day."

"NERDS!"

"SNICKERS!"

"NERDS!"

"SNICKERS!"

"NERDS!"

"SNICKERS!"

"POPCORN!"

"That isn't a candy May."

"Speaking of, how was your Halloween haul?"

"Eh, not bad, too much chocolate and not enough of everything else. May?"

"There was popcorn this year. I like popcorn."

"So what'd you go as?"

"Vampire princess!"

"Yeesh…I went as a mage."

"Yeah, I saw that. Shouldn't you have had more color?"

"Black is a color…"

"No it isn't. In the scheme of rainbow, black is actually the absorbing of all other colors, not a color itself."

"Disqualification on account of using complicated bla-bla speak."

"Yeah! I think…"

"What are we talking about?"

"Uh…gimme a sec."

"Popcorn!"

Argument finished, they turned back to the Hellsing cast, all of whom were staring blankly, confused beyond all sanity. Jay, Mack, and May stared back for a moment, then Jay shrugged and grabbed her present for Heinkel. She tossed it to the nun, who got clocked on the nose before she caught it and tore the paper away, muttering to herself and wincing as she dabbed at her injured face. Everyone leaned over her shoulder as she unwrapped several fireworks, and the siblings grinned as Mack picked at his stitches absently. "PYROMANIA FOREVER!" Jay yelled, exchanging a high five with her sister as Heinkel rolled her eyes and put the flammables in a safe place, _away_ from May and Jay. Mack read the next tag. "Major." The former Nazi sighed in relief as the normal, un-humiliating name was called, and Jay clicked a button, revealing…

"MEIN PLUSHY CHAIR!"

Doc and the other Millennium officers sighed with relief as the insane Major reunited with his beloved chair, and May rolled her eyes at her sister, sitting on the perfect replica as Jay grinned evilly and pressed the next button. A treadmill dropped down from the ceiling, nearly crushing Seras before she scrambled out of the way and looming over the suddenly much less ecstatic Major. "Auf Wedersien Major! Go exercise!" Jay shouted happily, and he swallowed hard as he was led away. Mack looked at the next label, squinting slightly, and then shrugged. "Glasses Weirdo." He said slowly, smirking as he chucked it to the slightly hurt mad doctor. He meticulously unwrapped it, beaming as he saw all the needles, medical fluids, band-aids, and some other stuff. "You're welcome." Jay said bluntly, licking her candy cane busily as May played with the bell at the very tip of Mack's hat. "Right…right…" he mumbled, wandering off to start experimenting before May chucked a piece of paper at him. He unrolled it, seeing a phone number. (Those who get the "phone number" reference get sneak peeks on our next story) "_42-42-564._ Dr. Stein." He read aloud, and everyone looked askance at May. "He's creepy and crazy and a doctor too!" she chirped, and they all made "ooh" sounds as Mack reached inside the bag again.

"Captain. Hans?" he asked Jay, who nodded as they tossed it to the silent Werewolf, who caught it with his usual dexterity. He slowly unwrapped it, and everyone blinked as he withdrew a bell, and he peered at it, shaking it gently a few times as May giggled. "It doesn't make any sound, just like he does!" she said happily, and everyone rolled their eyes as he shrugged and put it in his pocket. Jay carefully handed him her present, and he tore it open to reveal a squirmy little kitten, grasping it by the scruff of the neck and pulling it up to stare, nonplussed. You could almost hear him think "And just what am I supposed to do with this…this _thing_!?" The kitten continued to squirm and mewl, and then it managed to twist out of his grip and claw its way up to his shoulder, where it curled up, purring furiously as it apparently went to sleep. He looked from it, then to the others, then back to the kitten, then back to his companions, and then laid a finger to his lips in a clear "shhh" gesture. May and Jay cooed as Mack rolled his eyes, and he fetched out the next present.

"Musket Lady." He said slowly, chucking it to Jay, who grunted at the impact and carried it to Rip. She handed it over, and the huntress opened the box to see a can of paint, looking puzzled. "Since you ran out of paint on the ship and had to use blood, here's some more!" May said brightly, opening it to show her the blood-red color. She nodded slowly, capping it again and watching as Jay chucked a paintbrush at her. "You'll need this too. Sorry I didn't get anything better." She said, rubbing the back of her head as Rip nodded absently, putting the paint tools in a safe place. "Cat-boy." Mack read from the next present, chucking it Schrödinger as he popped out of nowhere and caught it gleefully. He tore open the packaging, then yanked out a pair of fluffy slippers. "Vhat?" he muttered, scratching his head as Jay rolled her eyes, stepping up to put them on his feet. "Look closer." He obeyed, and grinned when he saw they were fluffy mouse slippers, pouncing and missing epically as he tumbled across the floor, mewling happily as he continued to try and ambush his feet. May put her present on a table, and he forgot about his mouse slippers to eagerly tear it apart, chucking the wrapping paper over his shoulder to blindside Alucard, who impatiently batted it off his face as he glared at the neko.

Schrödinger blinked at the tiny bundle of fur as it jumped from the box, landing in his lap and starting to climb all over him, his jaw hanging open. The little Chow Puppy sneezed and looked up at him as his jaw dropped further, and he pointed at it stupidly. "D…DOG!" he finally managed, and May giggled as Jay hid a smirk. His face lit up, and he snatched the puppy off his lap, cackling as he spun in circles, holding the squirmy creature to his chest. "I FINALLY GOT A DOG!" he squealed, and Jay and her sister dodged his mad circle as Mack reached inside the bag for the next present. "She Who Stole Soul. Uh…Jay?" he asked weakly, tossing it to her as she rolled her eyes and tossed it to Zorin. "Don't ask." She muttered as the vampiress scowled and tore open the card, raising her eyebrows. "One tattoo shop on…bla bla bla…to Zorin Blitz, the Brown Insanity." She muttered, and then tucked it safely in her pocket. "_Danke._ Vhat'd ze pipsqueak give me?' she asked, pointing to May, who beamed and handed her a phone number. "_191-521-EATER._" She read aloud, and glared down at the little girl, slightly confused. "Its Soul's phone number!" she chirped, and the scythe-wielding Nazi shrugged and walked away, shoving the scrap of paper in her other pocket dismissively.

"Next…Blonde Valentine." Mack read, and then chucked the package to Luke, who caught it, looking slightly annoyed at the nickname. He unwrapped it, pulling out "Science for Dummies?" he muttered, scratching his head as Jay shrugged, pointing to May. "Her present, not mine." She said, and everyone looked askance at the tiny girl as she stared back. "I gave it to him because he's stupid!" she said proudly, and Luke gave her a withering look before putting the book in his pocket. Jay chucked him her present, and he gingerly unwrapped it, blinking as he found new glasses. "Uh…thanks." He said with a shrug, putting that in his other pocket as Mack read the next tag, then smirked and handed it to Jay. "I don't think we should humiliate the poor sap." He admonished her, and she pouted, looking at the tag as everyone crowded in curious. "Alright, who wants to hear Jan's nickname?" she asked, and everyone else shrugged and raised their hands as he shook his head frantically, scrabbling at the ducktape over his mouth. Jay grinned as she read the name. "Metal-Face Valentine." She snorted, covering her mouth as everyone burst into laughter and Jan turned red with rage.

"MMMHPF! MTHE FMM WMM! (_BLEEP! BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP_!)" He snarled, and Jay bonked him on the head with the present before dropping it in his lap. He glared at her before slicing the wrapping paper off the present, muttering curses around his ducktape gag. He yelped through the gag as claws raked down his hand, and a battered, ear-nicked tomcat fought its way out of the box, ears flattened and hissing. "MM! WM HM FMM?!" (OW! What the _bleep_?!)" He snarled, cradling his injured hand as he and the tomcat stared death at each other. "You see, in the Hellsing Abridged Episode Two, when Integra and the others were shooting you, you were going "_Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep_ with your _bleeping _kitty _bleep bleep bleep_", and so we gave you a kitty. May's reasoning, not mine." She said with a shrug, and he returned to glaring at the cat, which glared back. "Mfp hm pfm. (I dub thee F-you.)" Jan said absently, smacking the cat's head as it hissed ferociously and swiped at his hand. Jay quickly handed him his present as he fended off the enraged feline and read it. "_One ear piercing shop to Jan Valentine._" He read it silently and then shoved it in his pocket to wrap an arm around F-You's neck and give him a noogie.

The others watched the vampire tussle with his cat for a few more moments, and then Mack reached into the severely depleted gift bag and pulled out a bag that clinked. "Card Guy. Well, he's the only one left." He said with a shrug, tossing it to Alhambra. He caught it, opening the bag to see a large amount of gambling chips. He looked up at Mack and Jay, who pointed to May and mouthed "_Don't ask_". He shrugged, and Jay grinned as she led him to an empty room. "Here." She said, opening the door to show him a large pool table as he beamed and set the bag of chips down on it, quite pleased. "Yay! Merry Christmas guys!" May squealed, leaping up to hug both her sister and Mack around the neck as they grinned and rolled their eyes, detaching her and sticking candy canes in their mouths. Jay picked up the empty bag and Mack took off his hat, but Schrödinger suddenly melted out of nowhere and shoved a box in May's face. "You get a present too!" he said gleefully, and she took it, unwrapping the present and grinning as she saw a chicken. "Yay! His name is Alucard!" she said, and the vampire's head whipped up. "Oy! I am not going to be named after a fricken chicken!" he snarled, advancing and jabbing a finger at the chicken. "You rhymed! You rhymed!" May squealed, and the chicken added its comment. "Bwaaaaak!"

"SHUT UP!" Alucard roared, poking the chicken in the beak angrily as it stared smugly up at him. "Whoa, hold the phone, back up a little." Jay said, squirming between the two Alucards and pushing the vampire away from the chicken. "We'll call him Alucard Jr. That way there won't be any confusion." She said, and Alucard glared at Alucard Jr. as Schrödinger turned to Jay. "Here!" he said proudly, jamming Alucard's red glasses into her hands as she oohed and put them on her nose, blinking excitedly as the vampire noticed. "Hey! Those are mine!" he snarled, grabbing them –or at least trying– as Jay backpedaled and grabbed the frames. "Hell no! Schrö gave them to me and they're mine!" she squeaked indignantly, and he scowled at her, still fighting for his glasses as Integra grabbed him and started dragging him away.

"Alright, they may be really annoying, but they did give us presents. Christmas tradition demands we give them presents back." she muttered to him and the other leaders, and Maxwell raised an eyebrow. "Since when were you an expert on Christmas traditions?" he snapped, and she glared icily at him. "Am I wrong?" He coughed and said nothing as she nodded in satisfaction. "The _fraulien_ is right. Besides, if ve give them gifts zey might go away sooner." The Major added, giving May and Jay dubious glances as Jay felt around, nearly blinded by the dark lenses of Alucard's glasses as May and Alucard Jr. held candy canes out of her reach. "I hope." Conclusion reached, they spread the word quickly to the others, and Walter led both sisters to the kitchen for a bite to eat as Mack trailed diligently in their wake. "Right, so does anyone have _any_ kind of present?" Doc said in exasperation as everyone shuffled through their pockets. "Guess we just have to grab some random stuff and hope they don't get mad." Yumie muttered as everyone nodded and Walter lured the crazy trio back with some chocolate chip cookies.

"Alucard's first." Anderson said instantly as the vampire cursed, looking wildly around as May and Jay looked up, curious. "Here." He said, shoving a monkey wrench from one of the Wild Geese's repair belt at May as she squealed and grabbed the tool gleefully. "Sweet!" she cackled, and he took out the Casull as Jay turned to him expectantly. "Here. Take a bullet." He said absently, holding it out as Anderson started. "Hey! You can't give her an unspent bullet!" he said indignantly, and Alucard shot him in the head. "Problem solved. Empty bullet." He said calmly, picking up the shell and throwing it to Jay, who yeeped and tossed it from hand to hand as she waited for it to cool. It finally did, and she strung it on a leather cord Mack provided and hung it on her neck, along with her Celtic pendants. "Awesome!" she said gleefully, staring at it as May tucked the monkey wrench in her skirt and jumped up to look at the spent round as well. Anderson sat up, rubbing the bullet wound as he glared at Alucard groggily. "Stupid vampire…" he grumbled, the wound healing as the vampire cackled evilly. "You said I couldn't give her a full one." He snickered, and Anderson made a rude gesture at him before sitting down.

Integra gave them both glares before tossing her presents to the sisters. May caught the matches as Jay missed the lighter, bending down and picking it up as they both grinned. "Cha-ching!" Jay said with a grin, fistpumping happily as May cackled, hugging the matches pack to her chest and rolling around on the floor. Jay started flicking the lighter on and off rapidly as Mack quickly cleared any flammable object from her eyesight, and May stared at it as well, hypnotized. "Shiny flame…" they crooned in unison, and Alucard took the opportunity to poke them both. No movement. "Don't worry. They'll snap out of it soon." Mack said with infinite patience, and sure enough after a moment they both blinked slowly and Jay put the lighter in her pocket. Seras giggled as she presented her gift to May, and she unwrapped it to see pink socks. Fluffy pink socks no less. "YEEEESSS!" she squealed, hugging them to her chest and twirling around rapidly as Jay sighed and shook her head resignedly, blinking as Seras handed her one of the large incendiary rounds she used in her Harkonnen. "Don't use it indoors." She admonished as the brunette started to grin, putting the gift in her bag and giving it an affectionate pat before turning to the others. May yanked off her shoes and put on the socks, grinning as she wiggled her toes and clapped her hands.

"Here mam. Used it myself many times." Walter said, handing May a squirt bottle as she squealed and started chasing her sister with it, spraying cleaning solution at her as she ducked and dodged, sliding under a few tables and rolling as she ran in circles around Walter, snapping her fingers at him to ask for her present. "Uh…right, here." He said dumbly, shoving an empty box at her as the girls stopped chasing each other and stared at the box. "That is so…AWESOME!" Jay squealed, hugging the empty box and then waving it in her sister's face. "I got a box I got a box I got a box…" she sang, skipping around her sibling as May pouted and looked at her squirt bottle. "Well I got a squirt bottle!" she said defensively, and Jay stopped, shrugging once as she put the box in her bag. "Eh, how about we call it even?" she asked, and they nodded and shook on it. Pip was shoved forward by his men, and looked at the sisters dumbly as they finished their handshake. "Uh…here?' he said weakly, giving May his hat as she giggled and took off her Santa hat, putting the other one on and making a dramatic pose as her sister rolled her eyes and held out her hands expectantly.

He cast about again, then shrugged and handed her his empty bandolier, watching as she grinned and put in on, then the sisters looked at each other and high-fived. "Indianna Jones rules!" they squealed, and Mack shared a bemused shrug with the mercenary before the older male walked away. Anderson stepped forward, shuffling his feet and avoiding everyone's eyes as he shoved his present at May. She squealed gleefully, holding the teddy bear against her chest as Pip's hat fell over her eyes, causing everyone except Mack and May to go "Aww…" and take pictures. She pushed the hat up, grinning at Anderson as he shrugged and tossed a bayonet to Jay, who miraculously caught it by the handle before sheathing it in her belt, giving him a happy salute as he walked back to his spot. "Pushover…" Alucard whispered loudly, and without looking the priest threw a bayonet over his shoulder and pinned the vampire's hand to the wall. "Shut up."

Maxwell sighed, dragging his presents over and dropping them in both sisters' arms as Jay held her up with one hand, looking disgusted as May stared at her own in bewilderment. He had given May a bible, and Jay…an even bigger bible. They both shrugged and put them in their bag as Alucard cursed, yanking hard on the hand pinned to the wall as Anderson watched neutrally, hiding a smirk. "Hey Alucard just laid an egg!" May's voice cut through the room, and everyone turned to the vampire as he shrugged defensively, holding up his free hand. "Wasn't me." They then looked at the chicken, which had indeed just laid an egg. "Shouldn't you change its name to a girl name?" Seras asked timidly, and both sisters looked at each other, then at the vampiress. "Nah…" Heinkel then came forward with her presents. May beamed as she caught the boot, holding it to her chest and giggling as Alucard Jr. looked up at her askance, holding a wing over the egg. Jay grinned as she caught the card pack Heinkel had been playing with, sticking it in her pocket as Mack rolled his eyes and yanked the boot away from May to put in her bag. "I just got a _boot_!" May squealed to her sister, hanging on her arm and shaking her as Jay scowled and shook her off. "You needn't rub it in. I got a card pack though." she said briskly, looking up as Yumie came forward.

Alucard looked up from his futile struggle with the bayonet on the wall as May squealed, blinking indignantly as he saw his floppy-brimmed red hat. "WHY IS EVERYONE STEALING MY APPAREL AND GIVING IT TO THOSE BRATS!" he raged, yanking frantically on the bayonet as he tried to reclaim his hat by power of mental gimme-grabbing. May giggled, setting the hat down as Alucard Jr. promptly claimed it as her nest, putting her egg in it and laying several more as the vampire cursed and struggled harder. Yumie timidly handed Jay a cross necklace as the brunette scowled and unobtrusively shoved it in her pocket, not putting it on as Mack sighed and wrote something down on a scrap of paper. The Major was next, and he reverently placed a tiny toy blimp on the ground by May as she picked up the remote, flicking switches rapidly as the toy hovered in the air, circling around her sister before zooming into the air and dive-bombing Alucard, who snarled and ducked as he valiantly tried to free his hand from the wall. (Anderson had really stuck the bayonet in but_ good_)

The Major next handed Jay a lead pipe, and she grinned widely, swinging it suddenly as Mack ducked, taking out a large amount of paneling on the wall. "Sweet!" Doc was next, and he handed May a packet of candy. She squealed and was about to devour the lot, but Mack snatched it from her and gave it a suspicious sniff, shaking his head and putting it in her bag as he wrinkled his nose. "I want to test that for edibility before you start turning colors." He whispered, and May nodded sullenly as Jay was presented with a shiny hypodermic needle. "No harm from the doctor right?" she cackled, jabbing it in her companions' faces as Mack swallowed hard and May yelped. "None at all." He said carefully, pinching her fingers and slowly putting the needle down as both heaved sighs of relief. She rolled her eyes and put it in the bag as Captain came forward silently, kneeling and putting a fuzzy pair of earmuffs on May's ears as she beamed up at him, giving him a thumbs up before he turned to her sister and dropped several dog tag necklaces in her hand. He walked away as Jay put them on, grinning to herself at the new addition to her jewelry.

Rip came forward, putting a shiny quartz rock in May's hand as the sisters crowded together staring at it. "Shiny…" May cooed as the rock glittered in the lamplight. "…rock..." Jay whispered, finishing for her as they stared at it for a few more moments. She blinked as she felt something clip into her hair, and looked up to see Rip holding a mirror, spotting a new black highlight in her hair as she fingered it, looking surprised. "Hair extension. Sweet." She said finally, giving Rip a grin as the Nazi beamed and scuttled back to the others, ignoring the puzzled looks. Zorin stomped forward, shoving a toothpick in May's mouth and slapping a tattoo gift card for her shop into Jay's chest, stomping back as they recovered and inspected their gifts with slightly dazed grins. Mack sighed as he took them away and put them in the bag once more, watching Luke and his brother come forward resignedly. The tall blonde held out a candy cane to May as the darker one grumbled and shoved his extra pair of gloves in her other hand, the ducktape finally removed by a daring slash from F-You. Luke shrugged sheepishly as he handed Jay a pine cone, watching as his brother held her down and forcibly gave her an ear piercing, watching her punch him away and inspect it, finally rubbing her aching ear and giving the darker vampire a scowl before they both turned and left. As soon as they turned around she showed it off proudly to Mack, watching him shake his head as she stuck her tongue out and pierced her other ear, grinning now that her ears matched and waiting for the last presents.

Alhambra came forward last, showing May his old pool table and handing Jay a pool cue from it. The sisters suddenly crouched, May grabbing another pool cue and squaring off with her sister as Mack sighed and started packing up the presents and loading them on whatever he had come in. "DIE!" May yelled as he came back for the last load, swinging her cue forward to clack against Jay's as they started up an impromptu sword fight, running around the room after each other and making sword noises. "Cling! Cling! Cling! Cling!" Jay shouted as she dueled her sister from the pool table, the cues whacking against each other for each "cling". Alucard finally got his hand free and stuck his tongue out at the bayonet, blinking as Mack ducked under him to pursue his bosses in their mad fight. "Hold on a sec, you work for them willingly?" he asked, picking the boy up by the scruff of his neck and setting him down, facing the older vampire. "They got me out of a maze and introduced me to Monty Python." Mack said staunchly as a ringing crash was heard, and Jay yelled out that she got extra points from destroying a chandelier. "Monty what now?" Alucard asked, and Mack pulled out an IPod. "Here we go…never show this to Integra." He said, finding a video labeled "Knights of the Round table" and handing it to Alucard. The vampire took it, raising an eyebrow as the song began. (I put a link to it on my profile, to those who want to hear it for real)

"_We're Knights of the Round table!_

_We dance when'er we're able_

_We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable!_

_We dine well here in Camelot we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot!"_

Alucard, engrossed in the song, didn't notice as Integra peered over his shoulder, curious.

"_We're Knights of the Round Table,_

_Our shows are formidable_

_But many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable!_

_We're opera mad in Camelot we sing from the diaphragm a lot!"_

She visibly tensed, eyes twitching sporadically a few times as the song continued.

"_In war we're tough and able!_

_Quite indefatigable _

_Between our quests we sequin vests _

_And impersonate Clark Gable!_

_It's a busy life in Camelot-_"

She ground her teeth together slowly as Mack noticed her presence and quickly yanked the Ipod away, deleting the song. "What. Was. That?" she asked menacingly, and Alucard quickly pointed to Mack. "All his. He made me do it. Blame him." He said rapidly, and Mack sighed as Integra turned to him, unsheathing her sword. "BOSS!" he screamed, and Jay slid backwards down the banister, still fighting with May as her secretary grabbed her arm and quickly dragged her away, disengaging her sister as they all ducked and dodged Integra's wrath, darting through the open door as everyone watched the pissed Hellsing director pursue them from the safety of the windows, watching Mack mount a snowmobile as May and Jay climbed into a sled, and Mack gunned it as both shot into the night, the sled bouncing and bucking in its wake as Integra screamed in rage and shot after them. Mack paused at the top of the hill, and the trio looked back. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD LAUGH!" May and her sister called, saluting the Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millennium members before Mack gunned the engine once more, zooming over the snowy slopes as the annoying song started up again.

"_Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis, over the hills we go, crashing into trees! The snow is turning red; I think I'm almost dead…"_

_Back at the epic house of awesomeness where May, Jay, and Mack live…_

"Merry Christmas guys." Jay said lazily, chugging down some hot cider as Mack sat by the fire, watching May play with the lights on their Christmas tree. "Yeah. It was fun." He said absently, pulling out a pair of presents as Jay and her sister did the same. "Draw!" Jay shouted mockingly, and they all laughed as May shyly handed her present to Mack. "Here. We even got some new ones for you." She said as he unwrapped his dust bunny collection, and he hugged her, sniffling. "Thanks May. You're the best." He muttered into her shoulder, and looked up as Jay tossed her present to him. He unwrapped it, and then stuffed a fist in his mouth, grinning widely around it as he beheld a signed picture of Freddy Kruger, along with the latest Nightmare on Elm Street movie. "You too boss! C'mere!" he sobbed, pulling them both into a bear hug as they giggled, hugging him back as he let go and handed May her present as her older sister did the same. May oohed softly as she unwrapped an American Girl doll, hugging it to her chest as Jay smiled warmly and fistbumped Mack.

May giggled as she unwrapped her sister's present, seeing a picture of Alucard and Anderson, the blonde several photographic inches shorter than the dark-haired vampire as Mack frowned in puzzlement. "I thought Anderson was the taller one?' he whispered to Jay, and she put a finger to her lips. "I Photoshopped it." she murmured, and he chuckled and nodded as May hugged the presents to her chest, giving her elders yet another bear hug. Jay was last, and she grinned as her sister handed her something long and narrow. She ripped the wrapping paper off, cackling gleefully as a Japanese katana was revealed, hugging it before unsheathing the blade and whipping several ornaments off their tree. She carefully sheathed it again and hugged her little sister, eagerly grabbing Mack's present and opening it in her lap, revealing a pair of keys. She frowned, then shrugged and followed as he beckoned her and May over to the door, then grinned and hugged him frantically as she saw the jet-powered rocket sled in their driveway, letting go as he gasped for breath and running to it, shoving the keys in the ignition and watching it rumble to full power. "It lives! It lives!" she cackled, doing the "mad doctor" pose and then waving at her sister and Mack. "Well what are you waiting for? Let's try this puppy out!" she yelled, and they grinned and started towards the sled, leaving the tree twinkling in the living room as the sound of rocket flares split the night outside.

_**Whew, all done. This took FOREVER to write, so ya better enjoy it. If anyone is wondering on our continued emphasis on the Major's "plushy chair", may I remind you that he, in almost every scene, is sitting in that chair? EVERY. SCENE. We're gonna put in some in-progress stuff and some translations/explinations for you guys so you can see how our crazy little minds work. Also about the chicken name, May has a fish tank in her room, and the fishes are:**_

_**One Albino Rainbow shark named Death the Kid**_

_**Two catfish/bottom feeders named Alucard and Blackstar**_

_**Two guppies by the names of May and Jay**_

_**One sea snail by the name of Snailey.(pronounced Snail-ey)**_

_**Go figure. I just have a vicious attack hamster by the name of Sunki, and our family of course has the two cats. We also have the family ghost (whose name is Fred by the way) and plenty of bugs n' spiders in the basement. Such an animal friendly household! XD**_

_**Explanations for the character nicknames:**_

_Blaster Person/Seras: She has the Harkonnen cannons._

_Butler Guy/Walter: Uh, he's a butler, duh._

_Braid Guy/Pip: He has a braid._

_Nun Lady/Yumie: Well, she's a nun._

_Crona-gendered Iscariot/Heinkel: Well, Crona is an unknown-gendered person from Soul Eater, and Heinkel looks like a guy but is a girl._

_Glasses Weirdo/Doc: Again, this is literal._

_Musket Lady/Rip Van Winkle: Well, Rip has a musket._

_She Who Stole Soul/Zorin: Soul Evans Eater is a Weapon in the anime Soul Eater and his scythe form looks basically just like Zorin's sickle._

_Blonde Valentine/Luke: Another literal one._

_Metal-Face Valentine/Jan: I'm sure you're all wildly curious about this one. *snicker* Well, we saw all his piercings and Swear-y Valentine was discarded on account of lack of coolness. So, we called him Metal-face, because he has a lot of metal on his face. v.v *shrugs*_

_**Songs listened to in progress:**_

_Carmeldansen (May's suggestion)_

_Witch Doctor (Radio Mix) (May's suggestion)_

_Funny Farm (Mutual)_

_Several Iscariot Tribute videos, oddly enough. (Jay's suggestion)_

_Lots n' Lots of Vocaloid. (Mutual)_

_This is Halloween, Marylyn Manson version, original version, and Nightcore version. (Mutual)_

_Vocaloid MMD Can You Stand It? (One Hour) Versions one and two. (Jay's suggestion)_

_Best Friends (May's suggestion)_

_Her Name is Alice (Mutual) _

_Bla Bla Bla (Mutual)_

_Alice Human Sacrifice (Mutual)_

_Evil Food Eater Conchita (Eng. Dub by Nipah) (Mutual)_

_Evil Food Eater Conchita (Eng. Dub by Miku-tan) (Mutual)  
_

_**Wait for the next Holiday May and Jay, the Christmas Soul Eater and the Halloween Hellsing! Bye, and spread our insanity across the globe! Reviews are very much encouraged and appreciated!**_


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